Wednesday, May 10, 2006

On family, in more than one sense

Dear Family and Friends,

Allow me to explain something about life. Women and their bodies are highly complicated things. There are all sorts of hormones, synapses and goings on that probably no one fully understands. However, this is tried and true - if my husband is out of town all week, chances are that I am no more pregnant now than I was last week (read: not pregnant at all). You see, since I would prefer that any child I may carry is in fact also my husband's child, it makes it hard to magically get pregnant when he is NOT HERE. I can refer you to some books on the subject if you like.

Also, a few tips:

- Yes, those baby clothes are cute. However, telling me this will get you nowhere.
- Allow me to amend the common advice anyone will give - never ask a woman her age, weight, or IF SHE'S PREGNANT.
- If we want to have children, which you all assume, if it happens to work, which it won't necessarily, we will alert you and the media when we are damn well ready. Asking every week is completely pointless, other than providing me blog fodder.
- Please tell me, what makes you think that we would have any hypothetical names for a completely hypothetical child? Why don't you laugh when I respond, in all sincerity, Basketball? It's ridiculous, you say? Hmm. I'll let you mull that one over.

Okay. I'm glad we had this talk.


Stephanie (eating for one)


Judy said...

Hee hee! In-laws hinting around, eh? WHY do people do that??

Rhett said...

AMEN Sister!!! I would take to really manly activities like, cutting down trees in the yard, super weight lifting and beer drinking contests.... make it seem as though you are un-interested... :) I hate that kind of pressure. Keep them at bay!

Stephieface said...

LOL, that is hilarious!

You COULD have in laws like mine....

When I am pregnant continuously mention how often I am pregnant and observe that it appears I am pregnant all the time


When I am not pregnant continuously harass me about if I will have more, when I will have more, why all my female in laws suddenly have dreams that I am pregnant, and when will I get on that whole making a grandbaby that's a girl?

One day pushy inlaws will make a law that requires women to have see thru navels so they can check on the progress or non progress of prodigeny.

Debbie said...

Oh, I am going to print out your post, make copies and just hand it out. I hate when people ask me that and then have the nerve to tell me not to wait to long.